7.3 Active Listening

Most people don’t listen. They wait to talk.

You’ve experienced this. You’re sharing something important, and you can see it in their eyes—they’re not absorbing what you’re saying. They’re preparing their response, waiting for you to pause so they can redirect to their own thoughts.

It feels awful. And yet we all do it sometimes.

Active listening is the antidote. It’s a set of skills that transform conversations from parallel monologues into genuine exchanges. And research shows it affects everything from attraction to relationship satisfaction to psychological well-being.

What Active Listening Actually Is

Active listening isn’t just staying quiet while someone talks. It’s a set of deliberate behaviors that communicate attention, understanding, and engagement.

Researchers break it down into three components:^[1]

1. Sensing

Receiving verbal and nonverbal messages. This means actually processing the words, but also reading tone, facial expressions, body language, and what’s not being said.

2. Processing

Making sense of what you’ve received. Connecting it to context. Understanding the emotional content alongside the informational content.

3. Responding

Communicating back that you’ve sensed and processed. Showing the speaker their message landed.

All three matter. Sensing without responding leaves the speaker uncertain whether they were heard. Processing without sensing means you’re responding to what you assumed rather than what was actually communicated.

The Research: Active Listening Works

Studies consistently find that active listening produces better outcomes across every measurable domain.

A comprehensive review of listening research found that active listening is associated with:^[2]

Higher job performance
Better leadership perceptions
Higher quality relationships and trust
Greater well-being

The effects extend to romantic relationships. A study of 365 couples found that attentive listening during stress conversations was significantly linked to better coping behaviors and higher relationship satisfaction.^[3] The researchers suggested listening should be a primary intervention target in couples therapy.

In first-time interactions, active listening positively affects conversation satisfaction and social attractiveness.^[4] People who demonstrate active listening are perceived as more likable—before anything else about them is known.

The effects are even physiological: active listening reduces state anxiety in both the speaker and the listener.^[4] Good listening calms both parties.

Reflective Listening: The Core Technique

At the heart of active listening is reflective listening—the practice of paraphrasing back what someone said to confirm understanding.

It sounds simple. It’s surprisingly powerful.

A study comparing different training durations for reflective listening found that with more practice:^[5]

Speakers disclosed more emotion
Listeners remembered information better
The therapeutic relationship was rated as stronger

Reflective listening works because it closes the loop. The speaker knows their message arrived intact. Any misunderstandings surface immediately and can be corrected.

How to Reflect

Basic reflection restates content:

Them: “My boss gave me this huge project with an impossible deadline, and I’m already behind on everything else.” You: “So you’ve got a major new project on top of everything you’re already juggling, and the timeline seems unrealistic.”

Deeper reflection captures emotion:

Them: “My boss gave me this huge project with an impossible deadline, and I’m already behind on everything else.” You: “That sounds really overwhelming. Like you’re being set up to fail.”

The second version acknowledges not just the situation but the emotional experience. It says: I hear what’s happening and I understand how it feels.

When Reflection Goes Wrong

Reflection can feel awkward or mechanical if done poorly. Common mistakes:

Parroting: Repeating exact words rather than paraphrasing. Feels robotic.

❌ “So your boss gave you a huge project with an impossible deadline.”

Interpreting too far: Adding meaning that wasn’t there.

❌ “Sounds like your boss is trying to push you out.”

Making it about you: Using their statement as a launch point for your own story.

❌ “I know exactly what you mean—let me tell you about MY boss…”

Good reflection stays close to what was said while demonstrating genuine comprehension. It’s a subtle art that improves with practice.

Empathic Accuracy: Understanding What They Actually Mean

Reflective listening connects to a broader concept researchers call empathic accuracy—the ability to accurately infer another person’s thoughts and feelings.^[6]

Empathic accuracy isn’t the same as empathy. Empathy is caring about someone’s emotional state. Empathic accuracy is correctly perceiving that state in the first place.

You can care deeply and still misread what your partner is feeling. And misreading leads to responses that miss the mark—well-intentioned but off-target.

A meta-analysis found that empathic accuracy is positively associated with relationship satisfaction.^[7] Couples where partners accurately understand each other report better relationships.

Interestingly, attachment style affects empathic accuracy differently depending on context:^[8]

Highly avoidant individuals were less empathically accurate overall
Highly anxious individuals became more accurate when discussing relationship-threatening topics—hypervigilance as a response to perceived threat

This suggests that empathic accuracy is partly about motivation. When we’re invested in understanding someone, we become better at it.

Building Empathic Accuracy

Some ways to improve your accuracy:

Check your assumptions. When you think you know what someone means, verify it. “It sounds like you’re feeling X—is that right?”

Notice the full picture. Words carry information, but so do tone, timing, facial expressions, and body language. Process all of it.

Consider their context. The same words mean different things depending on someone’s history, personality, and current situation. What would this mean to them?

Stay curious. The moment you think you’ve figured someone out is the moment you stop accurately perceiving them.

The Waiting-to-Talk Problem

Sociologist Charles Derber studied over 1,500 conversations and identified a pattern he called conversational narcissism—the tendency to turn conversations toward oneself.^[9]

He distinguished two types of responses:

Support responses keep attention on the speaker:

“That sounds difficult. What happened next?”

Shift responses redirect attention to the listener:

“That reminds me of when I had a similar problem…”

Most people use shift responses far more than they realize. Each shift is a small signal that you’re more interested in talking than listening.

Research suggests about 4% of the population exhibits chronic conversational narcissism or “talkaholism.”^[10] But occasional shift-response habits are nearly universal. We all do it.

Catching Yourself

Pay attention to your impulses during conversations:

When someone shares something, is your first instinct to share something similar about yourself?
Do you find yourself formulating responses while they’re still talking?
Do you notice when you’ve interrupted or redirected?

The goal isn’t to never talk about yourself—that would make conversation one-sided in the other direction. The goal is balance, and awareness of when you’re pulling focus versus supporting it.

Nonverbal Listening

Active listening isn’t just verbal. Your body communicates attention constantly.

Research on nonverbal communication in relationships shows that nonverbal signals convey relational messages about trust, composure, and engagement.^[11] People read these signals automatically and continuously.

Signals of Active Listening

Eye contact: Steady but not staring. Breaking eye contact to think is natural; avoiding it signals disengagement.

Body orientation: Facing the speaker, leaning slightly forward. Turned-away shoulders signal divided attention.

Head movements: Nodding to show tracking. Tilted head indicates interest and consideration.

Facial responsiveness: Expressions that match emotional content—concern when they describe difficulties, warmth when they share joys.

Absence of distractions: Phone away. Not glancing at screens or other people. Full presence.

A study on implicit partner evaluations found that positive nonverbal behavior during conversations predicted relationship satisfaction up to one week later.^[12] The way you physically show up in conversation has lasting effects.

When Nonverbals Contradict Verbals

People weight nonverbal signals heavily. If your words say “I’m listening” but your body says “I’m distracted,” they’ll believe your body.

Common contradictions:

Saying “go on” while checking your phone
Nodding while scanning the room
Saying “that’s interesting” with a flat tone and blank expression

Your nonverbals need to match your intention. If you’re genuinely attending, this happens naturally. If you’re forcing it, people can often tell.

Validation Without Agreement

One of the hardest listening skills: validating someone’s feelings without agreeing with their conclusions.

This matters because partners often want to feel understood more than they want you to agree with them. And sometimes you can’t honestly agree—their interpretation seems wrong to you. But that doesn’t mean their feelings don’t make sense.

Validation acknowledges the emotional logic:

“I can see why you’d feel that way, given everything that happened.”

Agreement endorses the interpretation:

“You’re right, they were completely out of line.”

You can offer the first without the second.

Research on emotional validation shows it moderates the impact of difficult experiences.^[13] Feeling validated helps people process and move through emotions, even when the underlying situation remains unchanged.

The Language of Validation

Validating phrases:

“That makes sense given what you’ve been through.”
“Of course you feel that way.”
“Anyone would struggle with that.”
“Your reaction is completely understandable.”

What these phrases do: They normalize the emotional experience without taking a position on the facts.

What to avoid:

“You shouldn’t feel that way” (invalidating)
“You’re overreacting” (minimizing)
“Well, actually…” (correcting before acknowledging)

You can share a different perspective after validation. But validation must come first, or the speaker won’t be able to hear your perspective anyway.

Listening Creates Safety

High-quality listening does more than exchange information. It creates psychological safety—the sense that it’s okay to be vulnerable, to make mistakes, to share difficult things.

A longitudinal study on listening training found that improved listening abilities led to better relational climate, greater autonomy, and increased psychological safety over time.^[14]

Why? Because being truly heard signals that your inner world matters. That you won’t be judged or dismissed. That the relationship can hold difficult truths.

In romantic relationships, this safety is foundational. Partners need to know they can share fears, mistakes, and insecurities without being met with criticism or indifference. Active listening builds this trust conversation by conversation.

Practical Application

Before conversations

Decide to listen. Active listening is a choice, not a passive default.
Remove distractions. Phone away, other tasks set aside.
Notice your state. If you’re stressed or preoccupied, acknowledge it: “I want to hear this properly—can we talk in 10 minutes when I can really focus?”

During conversations

Resist the urge to plan your response. Stay with their words.
Use minimal encouragers: “Mm-hmm,” “I see,” “Go on.”
Reflect periodically: “So what you’re saying is…”
Validate emotions before problem-solving.
Ask follow-up questions that deepen, not redirect.
Watch for shift-response impulses.

After conversations

Summarize if appropriate: “Let me make sure I understood everything…”
Remember details for future reference.
Notice: Did they seem to feel heard?

Signs you’re listening well

They elaborate and share more
Their body language relaxes
They express feeling understood
The conversation feels unhurried
You remember what they said later

Signs you’re not

They repeat themselves (sign they don’t feel heard)
They give shorter answers
They seem frustrated or shut down
You realize you missed something they said
You’re mentally composing your next statement

The Deeper Skill

Active listening sounds like a technique. It is a technique—one that can be learned and practiced. But beneath the technique is something simpler: genuine interest in another person’s experience.

The mechanics of listening—reflection, validation, body language—are ways of expressing and channeling that interest. They work because they communicate care. Without underlying care, they feel hollow.

The good news: interest can be cultivated. Every person has a unique perspective shaped by experiences you haven’t had. Every conversation is a window into a different way of seeing the world.

Approaching conversations with curiosity—real curiosity, not performed curiosity—makes active listening feel less like work and more like exploration.

And in romantic relationships, this curiosity is essential. Your partner is always changing. There’s always more to learn about how they think, feel, and experience life. Active listening keeps that discovery alive.

What This Means for You

Active listening has three parts: Sensing (receiving), processing (understanding), responding (showing you understood). All three matter.
Reflective listening is powerful: Paraphrasing what someone said confirms understanding and deepens connection. It’s simple but transformative.
Empathic accuracy is a skill: Correctly perceiving what someone feels—not just caring about it—predicts relationship satisfaction. Check your assumptions.
Watch for conversational narcissism: The urge to redirect conversations toward yourself is nearly universal. Notice when you’re giving shift responses versus support responses.
Nonverbals matter enormously: Your body communicates attention constantly. Make sure it matches your intention.
Validate before advising: People need to feel understood before they can hear your perspective. Validation doesn’t require agreement.
Listening creates safety: Being truly heard signals that vulnerability is okay. This safety is foundational for intimacy.

The next conversation you have, try this: Make it your only goal to understand. Not to respond brilliantly. Not to share your own experience. Just to understand.

See what happens.

References

Bodie, G. D. (2011). The Active-Empathic Listening Scale (AELS): Conceptualization and evidence of validity within the interpersonal domain. Communication Quarterly, 59(3), 277-295. doi:10.1080/01463373.2011.583495
Kluger, A. N., & Bouskila-Yam, O. (2022). The power of listening at work. Annual Review of Organizational Psychology and Organizational Behavior, 9, 121-146. doi:10.1146/annurev-orgpsych-012420-091013
Kuhn, R., Bradbury, T. N., Nussbeck, F. W., & Bodenmann, G. (2018). The power of listening: Lending an ear to the partner during dyadic coping conversations. Journal of Family Psychology, 32(6), 762-772. doi:10.1037/fam0000421
Bodie, G. D., Vickery, A. J., Cannava, K., & Jones, S. M. (2015). The role of “active listening” in informal helping conversations. Western Journal of Communication, 79(2), 151-173. doi:10.1080/10570314.2014.943429
Kubota, S., Mishima, N., & Nagata, S. (2004). A study of the effects of active listening on listening attitudes of middle managers. Journal of Occupational Health, 46(1), 60-67. doi:10.1539/joh.46.60
Ickes, W. (1993). Empathic accuracy. Journal of Personality, 61(4), 587-610. doi:10.1111/j.1467-6494.1993.tb00783.x
Sened, H., Lavidor, M., Lazarus, G., Bar-Kalifa, E., Rafaeli, E., & Ickes, W. (2017). Empathic accuracy and relationship satisfaction: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Family Psychology, 31(6), 742-752. doi:10.1037/fam0000320
Simpson, J. A., Ickes, W., & Kim, J. S. (2011). Attachment and the management of empathic accuracy in relationship-threatening situations. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 37(2), 242-254. doi:10.1177/0146167210394368
Derber, C. (1979). The pursuit of attention: Power and ego in everyday life. Oxford University Press. Oxford University Press
Bostrom, R. N., & Harrington, N. G. (1999). An exploratory investigation of characteristics of compulsive talkers. Communication Education, 48(1), 73-80. doi:10.1080/03634529909379154
Burgoon, J. K., Guerrero, L. K., & Floyd, K. (2016). Nonverbal communication. Routledge. doi:10.4324/9781315663425
Stenseng, F., Belsky, J., Skalicka, V., & Wichstrøm, L. (2015). Social exclusion predicts impaired self-regulation: A 2-year longitudinal panel study including the transition from preschool to school. Journal of Personality, 83(2), 212-220. doi:10.1111/jopy.12096
Shenk, C. E., & Fruzzetti, A. E. (2011). The impact of validating and invalidating responses on emotional reactivity. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 30(2), 163-183. doi:10.1521/jscp.2011.30.2.163
Itzchakov, G., Weinstein, N., Vinokur, E., & Yomtovian, A. (2023). Communicating for workplace connection: A longitudinal study of the outcomes of listening training on teachers’ autonomy, psychological safety, and relational climate. Psychology in the Schools, 60, 1279-1298. doi:10.1002/pits.22835