6.5 Relationship Maintenance Rituals

“We don’t need date nights — we see each other every day.” “Scheduling romance feels forced.” “If we have to work at it, maybe we’re not right for each other.” These beliefs are relationship killers. Here’s what the research actually shows.

Why Rituals Matter

Relationships don’t maintain themselves. The passion that seemed effortless early on? It was sustained by novelty, uncertainty, and constant attention. Remove those, and you need something else.

That something is intentional maintenance — regular practices that keep connection alive. Not because the relationship is broken, but because all relationships require ongoing investment to thrive.

A comprehensive review of over 1,000 studies identified two primary motives behind staying together: threat mitigation (preventing harm) and relationship enhancement (promoting growth).^[1] The healthiest relationships do both — not just avoiding problems, but actively building positive experiences.

Date Nights: The Research

Do date nights actually work? Yes — but with important caveats.

The Evidence

A study of 196 individuals and 83 couples with 3-month follow-up found that shared activities sustained relationship quality beyond just avoiding problems.^[2]

But not all date nights are equal. Activities that were satisfying, stress-free, and increased closeness predicted better outcomes. Dedication mattered — couples who were genuinely engaged benefited; those going through the motions didn’t.

What Makes Date Nights Work

Research on planning effective date nights found that people higher in approach relationship goals (seeking positive connection rather than avoiding problems) planned more exciting dates and experienced more self-expansion and closeness as a result.^[3]

Effective date nights:

Novel and arousing — not the same restaurant every time
Actively engaging — doing something together, not passive consumption
Dedicated — both partners genuinely present, not distracted
Self-expanding — trying new things, learning together

The Novelty Factor

A classic study found that couples participating in a 7-minute novel and arousing task experienced significantly greater increases in relationship quality than those doing a mundane task.^[4]

The mechanism: New experiences together create the psychological expansion that characterized early relationship stages. You’re not trying to recreate the past — you’re building something new.

Practical implication: The tenth dinner at your usual spot doesn’t provide the same boost as trying something neither of you has done before.

Daily Rituals: Small Things Often

Research on dating relationships identified five types of rituals that predicted relationship quality and intimacy:^[5]

Couple-time rituals — Regular activities done together
Everyday talk — How you communicate daily
Idiosyncratic rituals — Unique practices specific to your relationship
Daily routines and tasks — Shared responsibilities
Intimacy expressions — Physical and verbal expressions of love

Each type contributed uniquely to relationship outcomes.

The Power of Small Moments

A study found that sharing tasks was the most frequently reported maintenance behavior — more than grand gestures or special occasions.^[6]

The mundane matters. How you navigate morning routines, who makes coffee, how you say goodbye — these aren’t romantic, but they’re the texture of daily life together.

What Daily Maintenance Looks Like

Morning rituals:

Saying a genuine goodbye (not just grunting as you leave)
A moment of physical affection
Sharing what’s ahead for the day

Evening rituals:

How you greet each other after work
Decompression time (together or apart, but acknowledged)
Check-in about how the day went

Bedtime rituals:

Going to bed at the same time (when possible)
Physical closeness
Expressing appreciation or affection

These aren’t obligations. They’re opportunities. Each one is a bid for connection that can be turned toward or away from.

The Gratitude Practice

Of all maintenance behaviors, gratitude has some of the strongest research support.

The Booster Shot Effect

A daily-experience study of cohabiting couples found that gratitude from interactions predicted increases in relationship connection and satisfaction the following day — for both the person feeling grateful AND the person receiving thanks.^[7]

Gratitude acts as a “booster shot” for relationships, strengthening bonds with each expression.

How Gratitude Maintains Relationships

Research using cross-sectional, daily experience, observational, and longitudinal methods found that people who feel appreciated by partners are more appreciative in return. This appreciation predicted being more responsive to partners’ needs, more committed, and more likely to remain together over time.^[8]

Even outside observers could identify it — appreciative partners were rated as more responsive and committed during laboratory interactions.

Gratitude Buffers Stress

A 15-month study of 316 couples found that higher perceived gratitude buffered against both financial strain and ineffective arguing.^[9]

Couples with higher perceived gratitude didn’t show satisfaction declines when facing stressors. Gratitude was protective — it didn’t just feel good, it created resilience.

Practicing Gratitude

Daily practice:

Notice something specific your partner did
Express appreciation for it directly
Be genuine — forced gratitude backfires

Weekly practice:

Reflect on what you’re grateful for in the relationship
Share these reflections with your partner
Write down gratitude (some couples keep gratitude journals)

The key finding: Perceived gratitude (feeling appreciated) had stronger protective effects than expressed gratitude alone. It’s not just about saying thanks — it’s about making your partner genuinely feel valued.

The Five Core Maintenance Strategies

Foundational research identified five strategies that consistently predict relationship quality:^[10]

1. Assurances

Explicitly communicating commitment and support.

“I’m committed to you”
“We’ll figure this out together”
“I’m not going anywhere”

Why it works: Uncertainty erodes relationships. Assurances reduce uncertainty.

2. Positivity

Being pleasant, upbeat, and enjoyable to be around.

Bringing good energy to interactions
Not constantly complaining or criticizing
Finding humor and lightness

Why it works: People want to be with people who make them feel good.

Distributing responsibilities fairly.

Housework, finances, planning
Not keeping score, but maintaining equity
Stepping up when partner is overwhelmed

Why it works: Unfair division breeds resentment. Partnership requires shared burden.

Maintaining connections with friends and family.

Spending time with mutual friends
Integrating into each other’s social worlds
Creating shared community

Why it works: Relationships embedded in social networks have more support and accountability.

5. Openness

Discussing the relationship directly.

“How are we doing?”
“What do you need from me?”
“Here’s what I’ve been feeling”

Why it works: Meta-communication prevents problems from festering.

Physical Affection

Touch matters more than many couples realize.

The Research

A study examining seven types of physical affection — backrubs/massages, caressing/stroking, cuddling/holding, holding hands, hugging, kissing on the lips, and kissing on the face — found that physical affection was highly correlated with both relationship and partner satisfaction.^[11]

Couples using more frequent nonsexual physical affection were happier.

Beyond Sex

Physical intimacy isn’t just about sex. Daily nonsexual touch maintains connection:

Holding hands
Hugging when you see each other
Sitting close
Casual touch while talking
Cuddling without expectation of sex

These aren’t foreplay. They’re connection in their own right.

Conflict as Maintenance

Counterintuitive finding: learning to fight well is a maintenance strategy.

Preventive Conflict Training

A 4- and 5-year follow-up study found that couples who received training in communication and conflict management maintained higher relationship quality over time.^[12]

Constructive conflict protects relationships long-term. It’s not about avoiding fights — it’s about having them productively.

Quality Time Enables Better Conflict

Recent research found that shared quality time shapes conflict dynamics.^[13] Couples who spend quality time together handle conflicts more constructively because the positive foundation supports harder conversations.

The implication: Date nights and daily connection aren’t just about feeling good — they create capacity to navigate the hard stuff.

Rituals Signal Commitment

Beyond practical benefits, rituals carry symbolic weight.

Research on dating couples found that rituals provide a “backdrop for couples to consider their progression toward marriage.”^[14] Engaging in rituals gives couples opportunities to see partners in new contexts and assess compatibility.

Rituals say: “This matters. We matter. I’m investing in us.”

The absence of rituals says: “This is just happening. I’m not prioritizing it.”

Building Your Ritual System

Daily (5-10 minutes total)

Morning greeting/goodbye ritual
Evening reconnection
Physical affection touchpoints
One expression of gratitude/appreciation

Weekly (1-2 hours)

Date night or shared activity
Relationship check-in conversation
Extended quality time without screens/distractions

Monthly

Novel experience together
Deeper conversation about goals, dreams, concerns
Review of how the relationship is going

Yearly

Anniversary acknowledgment
Relationship review: What worked? What needs adjustment?
Setting intentions for the coming year

Common Objections

”Scheduling romance feels forced”

Spontaneity is overrated. Research shows planned positive experiences work just as well — sometimes better. You schedule important meetings. Your relationship is important.

”We don’t need rituals — we’re fine”

Maybe. But “fine” often drifts to “disconnected” to “struggling” without maintenance. Rituals prevent problems, not just fix them.

”We don’t have time”

You have time for what you prioritize. Daily rituals take minutes. Weekly date nights can be two hours. The question isn’t time — it’s priority.

”It feels artificial”

At first, maybe. New habits feel awkward. Do it anyway. Over time, it becomes natural — and the benefits compound.

Reflection

Think about your current rituals:

What daily practices do you have for connection?
When did you last do something novel together?
How often do you express specific appreciation?
Do you have regular time blocked for just the two of you?
What rituals have you let slide?

One Thing to Try

Implement a daily gratitude practice this week.

Each day, notice one specific thing your partner did that you appreciate. Tell them directly.

Not “thanks for everything” — that’s too vague. Something specific: “I noticed you made coffee this morning. I really appreciated that.”

Do this daily for a week. Research suggests you’ll see effects on connection and satisfaction within days. And the practice tends to become self-reinforcing — appreciation generates appreciation.

Rituals aren’t romantic obligations. They’re investments. Each one deposits into the relationship account that gets drawn on during hard times.

The couples who thrive long-term aren’t luckier. They’ve built systems that maintain connection through all of life’s demands. You can build those systems too.

References

Ogolsky, B. G., Monk, J. K., Rice, T. M., Theisen, J. C., & Maniotes, C. R. (2017). Relationship maintenance: A review of research on romantic relationships. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 9(3), 275-306. doi:10.1111/jftr.12205
Girme, Y. U., Overall, N. C., & Faingataa, S. (2014). “Date nights” take two: The maintenance function of shared relationship activities. Personal Relationships, 21(1), 125-149. doi:10.1111/pere.12020
Harasymchuk, C., Walker, D. L., Muise, A., & Impett, E. A. (2021). Planning date nights that promote closeness: The roles of relationship goals and self-expansion. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(5), 1692-1709. doi:10.1177/02654075211000436
Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R. E. (2000). Couples’ shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273-284. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.78.2.273
Pearson, J. C., Child, J. T., & Carmon, A. F. (2011). Rituals in dating relationships: The development and validation of a measure. Communication Quarterly, 59(3), 359-379. doi:10.1080/01463373.2011.583502
Dainton, M., & Stafford, L. (1993). Routine maintenance behaviors: A comparison of relationship type, partner similarity and sex differences. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 10(2), 255-272. doi:10.1177/026540759301000206
Algoe, S. B., Gable, S. L., & Maisel, N. (2010). It’s the little things: Everyday gratitude as a booster shot for romantic relationships. Personal Relationships, 17(2), 217-233. doi:10.1111/j.1475-6811.2010.01273.x
Gordon, A. M., Impett, E. A., Kogan, A., Oveis, C., & Keltner, D. (2012). To have and to hold: Gratitude promotes relationship maintenance in intimate bonds. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 103(2), 257-274. doi:10.1037/a0028723
Barton, A. W., et al. (2023). The protective effects of perceived gratitude and expressed gratitude for relationship quality among African American couples. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 40(5), 1622-1644. doi:10.1177/02654075221131288
Stafford, L., & Canary, D. J. (1991). Maintenance strategies and romantic relationship type, gender and relational characteristics. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 8(2), 217-242. doi:10.1177/0265407591082004
Gulledge, A. K., Gulledge, M. H., & Stahmann, R. F. (2003). Romantic physical affection types and relationship satisfaction. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 31(4), 233-242. doi:10.1080/01926180390201936
Markman, H. J., Renick, M. J., Floyd, F. J., Stanley, S. M., & Clements, M. (1993). Preventing marital distress through communication and conflict management training: A 4- and 5-year follow-up. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 61(1), 70-77. doi:10.1037/0022-006X.61.1.70
Ahmadi, A., Askarizadeh, G., & Salehi, S. (2025). Strengthening relationships: The role of quality time and perceived perspective-taking in resolving conflicts among married couples. Contemporary Family Therapy, 47, 56-67. doi:10.1007/s10591-025-09760-0
Maniotes, C. R., Ogolsky, B. G., & Hardesty, J. L. (2020). Destination marriage? The diagnostic role of rituals in dating relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 37(12), 3102-3122. doi:10.1177/0265407520952166

Next: When to Seek Help — signs you need couples therapy and how to find the right therapist.

Or go back to: Navigating Major Life Transitions