6.3 Growing Together, Not Apart

You fell in love with who they were. But people change. You’re changing too. How do you support each other’s evolution without becoming strangers? And when does healthy growth become growing apart?

The Self-Expansion Paradox

Relationships thrive on growth. The self-expansion model, validated across decades of research, shows that we’re fundamentally motivated to expand our capabilities, perspectives, and identities — and close relationships are a primary vehicle for this.^[1]

When you fall in love, you rapidly incorporate your partner’s perspectives, resources, and identity into your own. Their knowledge becomes yours. Their friends become yours. Their worldview shapes yours. This expansion feels exhilarating.

But here’s the paradox: the same drive for growth that draws you together can pull you apart.

A 2021 study tracking daily experiences found that personal self-expansion — growth pursued outside the relationship — had complex effects.^[2] Daily increases in personal growth predicted higher passion through positive emotions. But chronic high levels of growth outside the relationship predicted lower passion through reduced intimacy.

Translation: Growing as an individual is good. Growing separately from your partner, consistently, creates distance.

Shared vs. Individual Growth

Not all growth is equal for relationships.

Research comparing different types of expansion found that shared self-expansion — growing together through novel experiences, learning new things as a couple, expanding your identities in tandem — predicted greater relationship satisfaction than individual expansion alone.^[3]

This doesn’t mean abandoning personal development. It means integrating it.

The Integration Question

When you pursue individual growth, ask:

Am I bringing this back to the relationship?
Does my partner know what I’m learning/experiencing?
Are we still sharing enough novel experiences together?
Is this growth creating connection or distance?

Healthy individual growth:

You’re excited to share what you’re learning with your partner
Your growth opens new topics of conversation
You remain curious about their growth too
The relationship feels enriched, not threatened

Growth that creates distance:

You increasingly have experiences they can’t relate to
You stop sharing because “they wouldn’t understand”
Your lives feel like parallel tracks
Resentment builds about different trajectories

The Michelangelo Phenomenon

One of the most beautiful findings in relationship research: partners can sculpt each other toward their ideal selves.

The Michelangelo phenomenon, named for the sculptor who said he simply released the figure already present in the marble, describes how partners perceive and treat each other in ways that either affirm or undermine who they want to become.^[4]

How It Works

You have an ideal self — who you want to be, the qualities you want to develop, the person you’re trying to become. Your partner can either:

Affirm your ideal self:

See your potential
Treat you as if you’re already becoming that person
Encourage behaviors aligned with your goals
Believe in your growth

Undermine your ideal self:

See only who you are now (or were)
Treat you as static
Discourage change
Express skepticism about your potential

Research found that when partners possessed key elements of each other’s ideal selves and affirmed those qualities, both individuals moved closer to their ideals, and relationship well-being improved.^[5]

The Practical Implication

Do you know your partner’s ideal self? Not who you want them to be — who they want to become?

Do they know yours?

Partners who can articulate each other’s aspirations and actively support them create conditions for mutual flourishing. Partners who don’t know — or worse, actively oppose — each other’s growth create conditions for resentment and disconnection.

Supporting Autonomy, Not Control

Here’s where many couples go wrong: they confuse support with control.

Research on self-determination theory in relationships found that autonomous motivation — being in the relationship because you genuinely want to, not because you feel you have to — predicts better relationship functioning, greater responsiveness, and more constructive conflict resolution.^[6]

The same principle applies to growth. Supporting your partner’s growth autonomously means:

Encouraging what they want to pursue
Respecting their choices even when you’d choose differently
Offering resources without strings attached
Celebrating their successes without making it about you

Controlling “support” looks like:

Pushing them toward growth you think they need
Conditional encouragement (“I’ll support you if…”)
Making their growth about your preferences
Resenting when their growth changes things for you

A study across three samples found that relationship autonomy was associated with greater supportiveness toward partners, including both secure base support (being there during challenges) and basic psychological need support (respecting their autonomy, competence, and relatedness).^[7]

Goal Coordination: The Research

How couples handle goals — their own, their partner’s, and their shared ones — predicts relationship outcomes.

A meta-analysis of 49 studies found strong effects:^[8]

Goal congruence (similar goals) correlated strongly with relationship satisfaction (r = .43)
Goal support correlated with satisfaction (r = .28)
Goal conflict correlated negatively (r = -.29)

A longitudinal study of 148 couples over one year found that higher goal coordination — emotional support, communication, cooperation around goals — predicted greater goal attainment, which in turn predicted higher life satisfaction for both partners.^[9]

What Goal Coordination Looks Like

High coordination:

Knowing each other’s current goals
Discussing how individual goals affect the relationship
Finding ways to support without sacrificing your own goals
Adjusting shared priorities as individual goals evolve
Celebrating each other’s progress

Low coordination:

Not knowing or not caring about partner’s goals
Goals competing for time, energy, resources without discussion
Feeling unsupported or actively hindered
Resentment building silently
Surprise when the other person changes

When Partners Change at Different Rates

One of the most common causes of growing apart: asymmetric change.

One partner has a career breakthrough; the other is stagnating. One discovers a new passion; the other is content with routine. One does intensive personal growth work; the other thinks they’re fine as they are.

Research on relationship transitions found that change itself creates “relational turbulence” — periods of heightened reactivity driven by uncertainty and disruption of routines.^[10]

Navigating Asymmetric Change

If you’re the one changing faster:

Bring your partner along. Share what you’re learning.
Be patient. They’re not broken for not changing at your pace.
Examine whether you’re growing away or just growing first.
Ask what growth they might want and support it.

If your partner is changing faster:

Get curious instead of defensive. What are they discovering?
Examine your own stagnation. Are you avoiding growth?
Communicate your fears directly rather than through resistance.
Find your own growth edge — not to compete, but to also be evolving.

Together:

Name the asymmetry explicitly. “I feel like I’m changing a lot and you’re staying the same” or “I feel left behind.”
Distinguish between threatening change and enriching change.
Renegotiate expectations rather than holding to outdated agreements.

Renegotiating the Relationship Contract

Every relationship has an implicit contract — unspoken agreements about roles, expectations, and who you are together.

When you got together, you were certain people with certain lives. The contract was based on that. But you’ve changed. The contract may no longer fit.

Signs You Need Renegotiation

Feeling trapped by expectations that no longer match who you are
Resentment about roles you didn’t consciously choose
“We always do it this way” as resistance to change
One person feeling like they sacrificed too much
Dreams deferred indefinitely “for the relationship”

How to Renegotiate

1. Name what’s changed “I’m not the same person I was when we agreed to X. I’ve realized I want/need Y.”

2. Distinguish non-negotiables from preferences Some things are core to who you’re becoming. Others are just habits or conveniences.

3. Seek win-win, not compromise Compromise often means both people lose something. Look for creative solutions where both people can have what matters most.

4. Accept some grief Letting go of the old contract means grieving who you used to be together. That’s normal.

5. Make new explicit agreements Don’t just drift. Consciously choose the new arrangement.

Relationship Maintenance During Change

A systematic review of 198 studies identified specific behaviors that sustain relationships through change:^[11]

The Five Core Maintenance Strategies

Research identified five strategies that consistently predict relationship satisfaction, commitment, and stability:^[12]

1. Positivity — Being pleasant, upbeat, not bringing every complaint.

2. Assurances — Explicitly communicating commitment and love. Not assuming they know.

3. Openness — Discussing the relationship itself. Sharing feelings about where things are going.

4. Sharing tasks — Fair division of responsibilities. Practical partnership.

5. Social networks — Spending time with shared friends and family. Maintaining common social world.

During periods of individual change, these become more important, not less. The temptation is to get absorbed in your own growth and neglect maintenance. But maintenance is what keeps you connected while you’re both evolving.

Personality Change in Relationships

Here’s something often overlooked: your personality changes over time. So does your partner’s.

Longitudinal research found that changes in Big Five personality traits affect relationship satisfaction:^[13]

Increases in neuroticism over time hurt relationship satisfaction
Decreases in conscientiousness hurt satisfaction
The effects were reciprocal — relationship quality also influenced personality change

The implication: You’re not dealing with a fixed partner. They’re changing, whether you notice or not. And you’re changing too. The relationship is constantly adjusting to two moving targets.

This is both challenge and opportunity. Challenge because you can’t assume stability. Opportunity because negative patterns aren’t fixed — both of you can develop.

The Growing Apart Warning Signs

How do you know when individual growth is becoming growing apart?

Early signs:

Decreasing shared activities
Less curiosity about each other’s lives
“Ships passing in the night” feeling
Separate friend groups with little overlap
Excitement shared with others more than with partner

Serious signs:

Core values diverging
Life visions no longer compatible
Feeling like strangers
One person waiting for the other to “go back to normal”
Avoiding conversations about the future

Critical signs:

Actively hiding your growth from partner
Feeling more yourself away from them than with them
Fantasizing about who you could be without them
Contempt for their lack of growth

What This Means for You

Support your partner’s growth by:

Knowing their ideal self (ask if you don’t)
Affirming the person they’re trying to become
Offering autonomy support, not controlling “help”
Coordinating goals explicitly
Celebrating their wins genuinely

Grow yourself while staying connected by:

Sharing your experiences and learning
Inviting them into your growth when possible
Maintaining the relationship during busy growth periods
Checking whether you’re growing together or separately

Navigate change by:

Expecting change — it’s normal, not failure
Renegotiating contracts when they no longer fit
Naming asymmetric change explicitly
Using maintenance behaviors consistently

Reflection

Think about your relationship:

What is your partner trying to become? Do you know their ideal self?
Are you affirming or undermining their growth?
Where are you growing individually? Is it creating connection or distance?
When did you last share something you learned with your partner?
Does your implicit relationship contract still fit who you both are?

One Thing to Try

Have a “growth conversation” this week.

Ask your partner: “What’s something you want to develop in yourself over the next year? And how can I support that?”

Share your own answer.

This single conversation does several things: it updates your love maps, it affirms their ideal self, it creates explicit goal coordination, and it signals that you’re invested in their evolution — not just maintaining who they used to be.

Growing together isn’t about becoming the same person. It’s about remaining curious, supportive, and connected while you both become more fully yourselves.

References

Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R. E. (2000). Couples’ shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273-284. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.78.2.273
Carswell, K. L., et al. (2021). Growing desire or growing apart? Consequences of personal self-expansion for romantic passion. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 121(2), 354-377. doi:10.1037/pspi0000357
Aron, A., et al. (2022). Self-expansion motivation and inclusion of others in self: An updated review. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 39(12), 3821-3852. doi:10.1177/02654075221110630
Drigotas, S. M., Rusbult, C. E., Wieselquist, J., & Whitton, S. W. (1999). Close partner as sculptor of the ideal self: Behavioral affirmation and the Michelangelo phenomenon. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 77(2), 293-323. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.77.2.293
Rusbult, C. E., Kumashiro, M., Kubacka, K. E., & Finkel, E. J. (2009). The part of me that you bring out: Ideal similarity and the Michelangelo phenomenon. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 96(1), 61-82. doi:10.1037/a0014016
Knee, C. R., Hadden, B. W., Porter, B., & Rodriguez, L. M. (2013). Self-determination theory and romantic relationship processes. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 17(4), 307-324. doi:10.1177/1088868313498000
Hadden, B. W., Rodriguez, L. M., Knee, C. R., & Porter, B. W. (2015). Relationship autonomy and support provision in romantic relationships. Motivation and Emotion, 39(3), 359-373. doi:10.1007/s11031-014-9455-9
Toma, A. M., Rusu, P. P., & Podina, I. R. (2023). The role of goal interdependence in couples’ relationship satisfaction: A meta-analysis. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 40(6), 1740-1769. doi:10.1177/02654075221128994
Rosta-Filep, O., et al. (2023). Flourishing together: The longitudinal effect of goal coordination on goal progress and life satisfaction in romantic relationships. International Journal of Applied Positive Psychology, 8(Suppl 2), 205-225. doi:10.1007/s41042-023-00089-3
Solomon, D. H., & Knobloch, L. K. (2004). A model of relational turbulence: The role of intimacy, relational uncertainty, and interference from partners in appraisals of irritations. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 21(6), 795-816. doi:10.1177/0265407504047838
Ogolsky, B. G., & Stafford, L. (2023). A systematic review of relationship maintenance: Reflecting back and looking to the future. Personal Relationships, 30(1), 19-43. doi:10.1111/pere.12429
Stafford, L., & Canary, D. J. (1991). Maintenance strategies and romantic relationship type, gender, and relational characteristics. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 8(2), 217-242. doi:10.1177/0265407591082004
Lavner, J. A., Weiss, B., Miller, J. D., & Karney, B. R. (2018). Personality traits and newlyweds’ trajectories of marital satisfaction and conflict. European Journal of Personality, 32(6), 659-672. doi:10.1002/per.2182

Next: Navigating Major Life Transitions — moving in, marriage, children, career changes, and more.

Or go back to: The Gottman Principles in Practice