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4.3 Anxiety & Dating

Dating is inherently uncertain. You’re putting yourself out there, risking rejection, trying to read someone’s intentions with incomplete information. For most people, this creates some nervousness.

For people with anxiety, it can feel unbearable.

The “what ifs” never stop. Every text analyzed. Every silence catastrophized. The gap between sending a message and receiving a reply becomes a void your brain fills with worst-case scenarios.

Here’s what the research says about anxiety in romantic relationships—and how to work with your brain instead of against it.

How Anxiety Changes Dating Behavior

A 2024 study tracked 108 people over 21 days, comparing those with social anxiety disorder (SAD) to those without.[1] The findings were revealing:

People with social anxiety used dating apps just as much as everyone else. They went on dates at similar rates. Externally, their dating behavior looked the same.

But internally, everything was different.

Those with SAD perceived their dates as significantly more negative (Cohen’s d = 0.65—a medium-to-large effect). They experienced larger increases in shame and embarrassment after dates.

The same date. Completely different experience.

This is the core challenge of anxiety and dating: the behavior can look normal while the internal experience is agonizing.

The Reassurance Trap

One of the most researched patterns in anxious attachment is excessive reassurance seeking (ERS).

People with attachment anxiety hold positive views of others but struggle with low self-esteem and fear of abandonment.[2] So they seek reassurance: “Do you still like me?” “Are we okay?” “You’re not mad, right?”

The problem: reassurance seeking is a hyperactivating attachment strategy that often backfires.

Research on couples found that excessive reassurance seeking is linked to:[3]

  • Reduced self-worth
  • Interpersonal rejection
  • Deteriorating relationship quality

The cruel irony is that the behavior meant to reduce anxiety often creates the very outcome you fear. Partners can feel exhausted or controlled by constant reassurance needs, which creates distance, which triggers more anxiety, which drives more reassurance seeking.

A study of 72 couples found that attachment anxiety was positively correlated with excessive reassurance seeking—but this seeking behavior was related to depression precisely because of its connection to anxiety.[4]

Breaking the cycle requires understanding that reassurance is a short-term fix that makes the long-term problem worse.

Rejection Sensitivity

If you feel like rejection hits you harder than it should, research confirms you’re not imagining it.

A meta-analysis of 60 studies with nearly 17,000 participants found that rejection-sensitive individuals report:[5]

  • Lower relationship satisfaction and closeness
  • Lower perceived partner satisfaction
  • Greater relationship conflict
  • Higher jealousy
  • More self-silencing behavior

Rejection sensitivity also predicts relationship trajectory. A longitudinal study found that adolescents with elevated rejection sensitivity at age 16 were:[6]

  • Less likely to have a romantic partner at age 22
  • More anxious and avoidant in relationships
  • More negative in observed partner interactions

For women specifically, increasing rejection sensitivity during late adolescence predicted adopting a more submissive pattern in adult relationships.

The key finding from 2024 research: your own rejection sensitivity—not your partner’s—predicts your relationship outcomes.[7] This matters because it means addressing your own sensitivity is more impactful than finding a partner who never triggers it.

Anxiety Impacts Both Partners

Anxiety isn’t just your problem in a relationship. A study of 33 couples where wives had anxiety disorders found:[8]

  • Significant associations between wives’ daily anxiety and both partners’ perceptions of relationship quality
  • Significant concordance between wives’ anxiety and husbands’ distress
  • When husbands frequently accommodated anxiety symptoms, this concordance was stronger, not weaker

Accommodation—avoiding triggers, providing extra reassurance, adjusting plans around anxiety—seems helpful but often maintains or worsens the pattern.

This doesn’t mean your partner should ignore your anxiety. It means both of you need strategies beyond pure accommodation.

The Marriage and Divorce Data

The long-term data is sobering but important to understand:

Research in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology found that socially anxious adults are less likely to marry and more likely to divorce.[9]

Social anxiety robustly predicts lower perceived social support and lower commitment in relationships.

But here’s important context: depression—which often co-occurs with anxiety—is the stronger predictor of relationship satisfaction, trust, and support.[9] Treating the depression can significantly improve relationship outcomes.

The data isn’t destiny. It’s information about what needs attention.

Evidence-Based Strategies

The good news: anxiety is one of the most treatable mental health conditions. Multiple approaches have strong research support.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

CBT is the gold standard treatment for anxiety disorders, with effect sizes in the moderate-to-large range.[10]

For social anxiety specifically, cognitive therapy shows superior efficacy compared to exposure alone.[11] The core strategies:

  • Identifying cognitive distortions — Catastrophizing, mind-reading, fortune-telling
  • Behavioral experiments — Testing whether feared outcomes actually happen
  • Exposure — Gradually facing feared situations without safety behaviors

A CBT approach to dating might involve:

  • Noticing when you’re mind-reading (“They haven’t texted back because they’ve lost interest”)
  • Testing predictions (“If I’m authentic, they’ll reject me”)
  • Reducing safety behaviors (excessive checking, seeking reassurance, over-preparing)

Exposure Works

Exposure therapy—participating in feared situations without avoidance or safety behaviors—is a central behavioral intervention.[10]

Even virtual reality exposure therapy shows equal effectiveness to in-vivo exposure for social anxiety.[12] This means practice helps, even in simulated environments.

For dating, exposure might mean:

  • Staying on a date even when anxiety spikes
  • Not immediately texting to analyze how things went
  • Tolerating uncertainty about how your date felt

Couples Therapy

When anxiety affects a relationship, individual therapy isn’t always enough.

Both cognitive behavioral couple therapy (CBCT) and emotion-focused couple therapy (EFCT) effectively reduce distress.[13] A psychoeducational session for couples dealing with relationship-based anxiety significantly decreased reassurance-seeking and maladaptive accommodation.[14]

If you’re in a relationship, consider involving your partner in treatment—not to “fix” you, but to build shared strategies.

Anxiety vs. Intuition

Here’s a question anxious daters ask constantly: “Is this my anxiety, or is something actually wrong?”

While there’s limited empirical research on this specific distinction, clinical frameworks suggest some differences:

Signs it’s anxiety:

  • Future-oriented “what if” thinking
  • Physical tension, rumination, thought loops
  • The worry stems from fear and self-judgment
  • The same worry has attached to previous partners
  • Reassurance temporarily helps, then the worry returns

Signs it’s intuition:

  • Present-focused observation
  • Calm and singular (not spiraling)
  • Based on behavioral patterns you’ve observed
  • Consistent with your values, not your fears
  • Doesn’t require constant analysis

The hardest reality: sometimes anxiety is right. Sometimes the person you’re dating is wrong for you, and your anxiety is picking up on real signals. The challenge is learning to distinguish pattern-matched fear from genuine incompatibility.

What This Means for You

If you’re dating with anxiety:

1. Your behavior can be “normal” while your experience is excruciating

You’re not failing at dating just because it feels terrible. The internal experience of anxiety doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.

2. Reassurance seeking backfires

The temporary relief isn’t worth the long-term cost. Notice when you’re seeking reassurance and experiment with tolerating the uncertainty instead.

3. Rejection sensitivity is your variable to manage

Your own sensitivity predicts your relationship outcomes more than your partner’s behavior. Working on your sensitivity is more impactful than finding someone who never triggers it.

4. Treatment works

CBT has strong evidence for anxiety. Exposure helps. You don’t have to white-knuckle your way through dating.

5. Involve your partner appropriately

If you’re in a relationship, pure accommodation can make things worse. Consider couples therapy or at least shared psychoeducation about how anxiety works.

6. Build tolerance, not avoidance

Every time you avoid because of anxiety, the anxiety wins. Every time you stay present despite anxiety, you build capacity.

Dating with anxiety is hard. But the goal isn’t to eliminate anxiety—it’s to build a life, and relationships, that matter despite it.

References

  1. Shechter Strulov, T., & Aderka, I. M. (2024). Dating in social anxiety disorder: A daily diary study. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 107, 102927. doi:10.1016/j.janxdis.2024.102927

  2. Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2012). Adult attachment orientations and relationship processes. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 4(4), 259-274. doi:10.1111/j.1756-2589.2012.00142.x

  3. Rector, N. A., Kamkar, K., Cassin, S. E., Ayearst, L. E., & Laposa, J. M. (2011). Assessing excessive reassurance seeking in the anxiety disorders. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 25(7), 911-917. doi:10.1016/j.janxdis.2011.05.003

  4. Shaver, P. R., Schachner, D. A., & Mikulincer, M. (2005). Attachment style, excessive reassurance seeking, relationship processes, and depression. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 31(3), 343-359. doi:10.1177/0146167204271709

  5. Mishra, M., & Allen, M. S. (2023). Rejection sensitivity and romantic relationships: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Personality and Individual Differences, 208, 112186. 60 studies, 147 effect sizes, 16,955 participants. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2023.112186

  6. Hafen, C. A., Spilker, A., Chango, J., Marston, E. S., & Allen, J. P. (2014). To accept or reject? The impact of adolescent rejection sensitivity on early adult romantic relationships. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 24(1), 55-64. doi:10.1111/jora.12051

  7. Mishra, M., Reis, S., & Allen, M. S. (2024). Predicting relationship outcomes from rejection sensitivity in romantic couples: Testing actor and partner effects. Current Psychology, 43(36), 29095-29107. doi:10.1007/s12144-024-06431-5

  8. Zaider, T. I., Heimberg, R. G., & Iida, M. (2010). Anxiety disorders and intimate relationships: A study of daily processes in couples. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 119(1), 163-173. doi:10.1037/a0018473

  9. Hahn, C. M., Hahn, I. G., & Campbell, L. J. (2021). Social anxiety and depression in romantic relationships: A three-sample exploration. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 40(3), 175-200. doi:10.1521/jscp.2021.40.3.175

  10. Otte, C. (2011). Cognitive behavioral therapy in anxiety disorders: Current state of the evidence. Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, 13(4), 413-421. doi:10.31887/DCNS.2011.13.4/cotte

  11. Ougrin, D. (2011). Efficacy of exposure versus cognitive therapy in anxiety disorders: Systematic review and meta-analysis. BMC Psychiatry, 11, 200. doi:10.1186/1471-244X-11-200

  12. Horigome, T., Kurokawa, S., Sawada, K., et al. (2020). Virtual reality exposure therapy for social anxiety disorder: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Psychological Medicine, 50(15), 2487-2497. 22 studies, n = 703. doi:10.1017/S0033291720003785

  13. Durães, R. S. S., Khafif, T. C., Lotufo-Neto, F., & Serafim, A. d. P. (2020). Effectiveness of cognitive behavioral couple therapy on reducing depression and anxiety symptoms. The Family Journal, 28(4), 344-355. doi:10.1177/1066480720902410

  14. Paprocki, C. M., & Baucom, D. H. (2017). Worried about us: Evaluating an intervention for relationship-based anxiety. Family Process, 56(1), 45-58. doi:10.1111/famp.12175