2.1 Limerence vs Love

You’ve checked your phone 47 times today. Not because you’re expecting something important — because they haven’t texted back. Your mood, your entire day, hinges on whether they respond. Is this love? No. It’s limerence. And it’s probably running your dating life.

What Is Limerence?

Limerence is a state of involuntary obsession with another person. The term was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in 1979 after interviewing over 300 people and collecting thousands of questionnaires about their romantic experiences.^[1]

It’s characterized by:

Intrusive thinking — They’re on your mind constantly, occupying 65-100% of waking hours at peak intensity
Emotional dependency — Your mood swings based on their attention (or lack of it)
Idealization — You see them as perfect, ignoring or explaining away red flags
Fear of rejection — The possibility of them not wanting you feels catastrophic
Physical symptoms — Racing heart, can’t eat, can’t sleep, butterflies that feel like anxiety

Sound familiar? Most people have experienced this. Most people also call it “falling in love.”

It’s not.

The Neuroscience: Why Limerence Feels Like Addiction

Here’s where it gets scientific — and uncomfortable. In 2005, researchers used fMRI brain scans to study people in early-stage intense romantic love. They found that viewing photos of their romantic interest activated the ventral tegmental area (VTA) and caudate nucleus — dopamine-rich regions associated with reward and motivation, not emotion.^[2]

The study’s key finding: romantic love is primarily a motivation system, not an emotion. Your brain is treating this person like a goal to pursue, using the same pathways that drive addiction.

Even more striking: a 1999 study found that people who had recently fallen in love had serotonin levels comparable to patients with OCD.^[3] This neurochemical similarity explains why limerence involves the same obsessive, intrusive thinking patterns as obsessive-compulsive disorder.

The chemicals driving limerence:

Dopamine — The “reward” chemical. Uncertainty triggers dopamine release (variable rewards, like slot machines). The VTA floods your system when you think about them.
Norepinephrine — Explains the racing heart, sweaty palms, can’t-sleep feeling
Low serotonin — The same neurochemical pattern seen in OCD. This is why you can’t stop the intrusive thoughts.

This cocktail creates an altered state. You’re not thinking clearly — you’re experiencing a powerful neurochemical response that shares features with both addiction and OCD.

Limerence vs Love: The Core Differences

Limerence	Love
Thrives on uncertainty	Thrives on security
Obsessive, intrusive thoughts	Consistent, warm thoughts
Fear-based (of rejection)	Trust-based (in connection)
Idealization of the other person	Realistic view, accepting flaws
Feels like anxiety, high highs and low lows	Feels calm, stable, grounding
Fades when reciprocated and secure	Deepens with reciprocation and security
Activates reward/craving circuits (wanting)	Activates attachment + pleasure circuits (liking)
Chemical: dopamine, norepinephrine, low serotonin	Chemical: oxytocin, vasopressin, endogenous opioids

Here’s the key insight: limerence fades when you become secure.

That’s why people say “the spark is gone” after the initial phase of a stable relationship. The limerence ended. They think they fell out of love. They didn’t — they just exited a chemical state.

How Long Does Limerence Last?

Tennov’s research found enormous variability — from “a three-day spree in Naples to a fifty-year unrequited yearning.”^[1] Duration depends heavily on one factor: uncertainty.

Limerence only ends through one of three mechanisms:

Consummation — Reciprocation leading to either lasting love or disillusionment
Starvation — Sustained, unambiguous rejection (not mixed signals)
Transference — Transfer of limerence to a new person

This explains why situationships can trap you for years. The intermittent reinforcement — occasional attention mixed with distance — is the perfect formula to sustain limerence indefinitely. Your brain never gets the closure it needs.

Long-Term Love: What the Brain Scans Show

A 2012 study scanned the brains of people married an average of 21 years who still reported intense romantic love.^[4] The findings challenge the assumption that passion must fade:

Long-term love did activate the same dopamine-rich reward areas (VTA, dorsal striatum) as early-stage love. But it also activated regions associated with:

Attachment (globus pallidus, substantia nigra)
Calm and pleasure (areas rich in opioid receptors)

The key difference? The obsessive component diminished. Early love correlates with activity in the caudate and posterior cingulate — associated with obsession and rumination. Long-term love shows less of this.

Translation: You can have passion without obsession. The intensity can remain while the anxiety fades. That’s what healthy long-term love looks like — and it’s neurologically distinct from limerence.

The Limerence Checklist

Be honest. In your current situation (or a recent one):

You can’t focus on work because you’re thinking about them
You’ve re-read their messages looking for hidden meaning
Your mood depends on whether they’ve contacted you
You’ve excused behavior you wouldn’t accept from anyone else
You feel physical symptoms — can’t eat, can’t sleep, heart racing
You imagine a future together (but haven’t actually discussed it)
You feel like you need them, not just want them
If they pulled away, you’d feel devastated (even if you’ve only known them weeks)

If you checked 4+, you’re probably in limerence.

Clinical Recognition: Limerence as a Condition

For decades, limerence was dismissed as “just being in love.” That’s changing. Researchers Wakin and Vo proposed a clinical model that conceptualizes limerence as a distinct condition with features of both OCD (intrusive thoughts, compulsive checking behaviors) and addiction (withdrawal symptoms, craving).^[5]

Their research notes that separation from the limerent object produces withdrawal symptoms including:

Chest and abdominal pain
Sleep disturbance
Irritability and depression
Compulsive urges to check their social media or make contact

In 2021, the first published clinical treatment case for limerence used exposure-response prevention (ERP) — the same technique used for OCD — with significant success at 9-month follow-up.^[6]

The study’s author notes: “Uncertainty is the driving force behind limerence development and maintenance.” Remove the uncertainty, and the condition resolves.

Attachment Style and Limerence Vulnerability

Research suggests that anxious attachment increases vulnerability to limerence. One study found that anxiously attached individuals scored 10-20% higher on measures of obsessive preoccupation and emotional dependence.^[5]

This makes sense. Anxious attachment — often stemming from inconsistent childhood caregiving — creates:

Fear of abandonment
Externally-based self-esteem
Hypervigilance to rejection signals
Emotional dependency on partners

All of these amplify the limerence experience. If your self-worth depends on their attention, uncertainty becomes unbearable — and your brain will obsess until it gets resolution.

Important distinction: Limerence is person-specific (obsession with one individual), while anxious attachment is a general relational pattern. You can have anxious attachment without limerence, and you can experience limerence without having anxious attachment — though the latter makes you more susceptible.

Examples

Aditi matched with Rahul on Hinge. Their first date was electric. For the next month, she couldn’t stop thinking about him. When he texted, she was on top of the world. When he didn’t, she spiraled. She called it “connection.” She told friends he might be “the one.”

But Rahul was inconsistent. Attentive sometimes, distant others. This inconsistency wasn’t a red flag to Aditi — it was fuel. Her limerence fed on the uncertainty. Her serotonin was depleted. Her VTA was firing every time her phone buzzed.

When a friend said “he’s breadcrumbing you,” Aditi defended him. She couldn’t see it. She was too high.

Varun finally got together with his crush of two years. For months, he’d fantasized about her. When they started dating, it was everything he’d imagined. For about two months.

Then the intensity faded. She was still great, but he didn’t feel that obsessive pull anymore. He thought he’d fallen out of love. He ended it, confused.

He didn’t fall out of love. He exited limerence. The uncertainty was gone, so the dopamine hit weakened. His serotonin normalized. He mistook the absence of obsession for the absence of love.

Sneha and Kabir had a slow start. No fireworks on the first date. She almost didn’t go on a second. But something kept her curious.

Three years later, they’re still together. No wild highs, no devastating lows. Just consistent warmth, growing trust, and genuine partnership.

She never felt limerence for him. At first, she wondered if that was a problem. Now she knows: it wasn’t the absence of love. It was the absence of chaos.

The Spark Myth

We’ve been conditioned to believe that “the spark” indicates compatibility. Movies, songs, and friends all reinforce: if it’s right, you’ll just know.

But research challenges this. A study found that people’s stated preferences before meeting someone (wanting someone “exciting” or having “chemistry”) didn’t actually predict who they were attracted to in real interactions.^[7] Initial intensity can be misleading.

High initial “chemistry” can correlate with:

Anxious-avoidant dynamics (the “spark” is often anxiety)
Mistaking activation of reward circuits for compatibility
Ignoring red flags because the feeling is so strong
Confusion when the limerence phase ends

Stable, lasting relationships often start with less spark and more curiosity. The bond builds over time, through shared experiences and growing trust — not through obsessive thinking in week two.

Reflection

Think about your most intense “connection”:

Were you secure in their feelings, or constantly uncertain?
Did the intensity fade once you became official?
Looking back, was it love — or were you high on uncertainty?
Do you have a pattern of intense attractions that burn out quickly?

One Thing to Know

If you’re in limerence right now, this article probably won’t stop it. Limerence is a neurochemical state, not a choice. Your brain is literally functioning like someone with OCD.

But here’s what you can do: don’t make major decisions while limerent.

Don’t move in together. Don’t ignore dealbreakers. Don’t project a future onto someone you’ve known for six weeks.

And ask yourself the real question:

Would I still want this person if I knew for certain they wanted me back?

If the appeal is partly in the chase — if certainty would make them less interesting — that’s not love. That’s a dopamine response to uncertainty. And it will end.

The goal isn’t to never feel limerence. It’s to recognize it for what it is: a temporary altered state, not a signal of compatibility. The people worth building a life with might not trigger your reward circuits like a slot machine. They’ll do something better: they’ll make you feel calm.

References

Tennov, D. (1979). Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. Stein and Day. Archive.org
Aron, A., Fisher, H., Mashek, D.J., Strong, G., Li, H., & Brown, L.L. (2005). Reward, motivation, and emotion systems associated with early-stage intense romantic love. Journal of Neurophysiology, 94, 327-337. doi:10.1152/jn.00838.2004
Marazziti, D., Akiskal, H.S., Rossi, A., & Cassano, G.B. (1999). Alteration of the platelet serotonin transporter in romantic love. Psychological Medicine, 29(3), 741-745. doi:10.1017/S0033291798008022
Acevedo, B.P., Aron, A., Fisher, H.E., & Brown, L.L. (2012). Neural correlates of long-term intense romantic love. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 7(2), 145-159. doi:10.1093/scan/nsq092
Wakin, A.H. & Vo, D.B. (2008). Love-Variant: The Wakin-Vo I.D.R. Model of Limerence. Presented at Inter-Disciplinary Net 2nd Global Conference. Sacred Heart University
Wyant, B.E. (2021). Treatment of Limerence Using a Cognitive Behavioral Approach: A Case Study. Journal of Patient Experience, 8. doi:10.1177/23743735211060812
Eastwick, P.W., & Finkel, E.J. (2008). Sex differences in mate preferences revisited: Do people know what they initially desire in a romantic partner? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 94(2), 245-264. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.94.2.245

Next: The Chemistry of Love — dopamine, oxytocin, and why love feels like addiction.

Or skip to: ADHD in Relationships — for when your brain works differently.